


The Dumbing Down of Love

by ManiacTenshi (unofficialkarkat)



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance, Suggestive Themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-01-05
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2017-10-29 01:08:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/314167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unofficialkarkat/pseuds/ManiacTenshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I never would have been able to predict the Hell Crona would bring to my life. This was never meant to happen. But when I see her release a quivering breath, the details cease to matter. I can't help myself, much less her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue of sorts

**The Dumbing Down of Love**

**Prologue of sorts**   
  


-x-x-x-x-

 

 **Summary:** I never would have been able to predict the Hell Crona would bring to my life. This was never meant to happen. But when I see her release a quivering breath, the details cease to matter. I can't help myself, much less her.

**A/n:** This is in Kid’s perspective. The title is inspired by a Frou Frou song. God, I love Imogen Heap. This is not a part of the music drabble collection since it was not inspired by the song, but the song fits it well. I’m considering making this a full-blown story, but if I do that don’t expect an update anytime soon. Working on _Clandestine_ and lemons and school, eheh.

 

 **Disclaimer:** The owner of  _Soul Eater_ is Atsushi Ōkubo. This work of fiction is composed entirely by me _._  I gain nothing material by writing this and do it solely for fun. The lyrics present are from the song “The Dumbing Down of Love” by Frou Frou.

****

-x-x-x-x-

 

_Jaded in anger,_

_Love underwhelms you,_

_No box of chocolates,_

_Whichever way you fall,_

_And if I tell you,_

_Lover alone without love,_

_What will happen?_

_Lover alone without love,_

_Will you listen?_

_Lover alone without love,_

_Underachieving,_

_'cause no one's receiving,_

_This tunnel vision,_

_Is turning out all wrong,_

-x-x-x-x-

 

I never saw myself as a sexual man. It, sex, was simply a means to reproduce, and I had no interest in that. My fellow males would no doubt have found that strange, but opinions on my sexuality (or lack of) didn’t concern me anyway.

Crona wasn’t the sexual type, either. Even the slightest contact had her panicking. Yet beyond all the irony, one day she would lie next to me in my bed.

To both our surprise, I noticed a progressive interest within myself for her. The interest, at first, was of curiosity. What troubled her? How should her character be judged? I wanted to understand her turmoil and morality, but with understanding her, I had taken much more.

Slowly she let me know her thoughts. Reluctantly she pushed aside inner barricades to let me see her. All the while she was terrified of me seeing who and what she truly was, terrified that I’d shun her. Her reasons for letting me in were not even remotely romantic. She craved a remedy to the torment she couldn’t escape (you cannot fully escape yourself after all), and she wanted me to prove that I could help. Shinigami are publicized as powerful, intelligent immortals that save the helpless and punish the condemned. However, Crona was on both sides of the spectrum.

I remember after at least a year of getting to know her, we began to fight. Now, these fights weren’t clean-cut. One argument was strung out into several repeats. Mainly it was about how Crona couldn’t control herself and how I tried to control too much. Our friends often became involved as well, and it was pure unnecessary chaos.

Our quarrels became physical when Crona lashed out in her craze. I always had the upper hand. She used blind fury while I used calculated tactics. She was clumsy; I was sturdy. The _…sixth…_ (Damn that asymmetrical number!) time we brawled, however, she nearly beat me. And it ended quite differently than the many previous.

When exactly the shift took place in our relationship for it to have led to such an outcome, I honestly don’t know. But when I saw her release a quivering breath, the details ceased to matter. I couldn’t help myself, much less her. Not after I’d witnessed her fragile body writhe beneath mine. The way her face flared in a blush of desire had me breathing heavier. That way she’d open her mouth in unspeakable pleasure with her rosy tongue stretching out undid my proper thoughts. At the peak of pleasure, she was the display of carnality in such a beautiful form.

We were never sexual people separately, but together a rough act ensued. Technically, we still weren’t sexual. At least, why we did it wasn’t really sexual. It was more emotional, strangely. Just as we were previously Asexual, neither of us had a firm grasp on emotional displays.

The first time I said I loved her, she cried. I held her as she did so. Naked in my embrace and more vulnerable than I’d known her to be (and that’s really saying something), she stayed that way until we fell asleep. That sleep was the first true peace either of us had experienced.

But for creatures like us, that peace can never be anything other than fleeting.


	2. Beginning of sorts

**The Dumbing Down of Love**

**Beginning** **of sorts**   
  


x-x-x-x

 

 **A/n:** This is still in Kid’s perspective and will most likely remain as such the entire fic. Hope you enjoy!

x-x-x-x

****

**_Months prior to the “incident”_ **

  
She folds her hands in her robe-clad lap; they're so pallid and frail despite the calluses from years of obvious work. I'm not sure what to say to her. It's obvious how uncomfortable I'm making her, but I need to speak to her. The idea still disturbs me that after all she's done she can so easily return. But then a part of me fully accepts it. The internal conflict is why I can't let it go. It doesn't seem right yet it makes sense. Crona helped to defeat Medusa and save Stein, so it's reasonable. But still... It gets me to asking 'what does it matter if it's reasonable?' That doesn't make it correct. But then I begin to sound nonsensical by thinking that. The best I can do is assess this...girl.  Never really paid attention to Crona's gender before now. It doesn't seem to matter... Though I'm personally unsure of why I think female in the first place. It just comes out. Maybe it makes me feel more comfortable, seeing how Crona reacts to me. ...again with confusing nonsense.  
  
My words come out as I'd hoped, firm but nonthreatening. Simple questions such as ‘How're you doing?’ Then further: "How do you feel with Medusa gone?" This question she so obviously wants to avoid. Her fidgeting increases, and her eyes avoid me in a gallant struggle. The answer I want never comes.   
  
On my way out she mutters, "Surreal."

x-x-x-x

  
It's been awhile, I think about two months, since the last time I went to visit Crona alone. As usual, she's unprovoked in her room. Even though she's become more accustomed to hanging out with the group, this dark room is still an often occupied space.

 

Her eyes catch mine, soft with...helplessness? Yet sharp with what I can easily guess to be fear or nerves. She knows why I'm here; it's the same reason as the last few times. The questioning begins and she barely answers anything, though she seems to be trying harder to answer more. This routine, I'm starting to think, helps her more than it does me. Sort of like a therapy.   
  
Ragnarok occasionally pipes in, and at one point I get so annoyed I can't keep myself from speaking up. There's surprise on Crona’s face when the Black Blood creature leaves without actually hitting anyone. I'm too frustrated by the interruption to be surprised that he listened, but Crona looks at me like she saw something for the first time. I don't see anything special in my actions, but there's still a new calmness about her. It’s an expression I've only seen her have with Maka or Marie-sensei. Maybe she'll answer me better next time.

x-x-x-x

  
“Still checking up on Crona?” Liz asks as everyone packs up to leave Shibusen for the day. I nod in response as I pass her by. She follows, as does Patty, and asks, “Aren’t you worried Maka will get mad or something?”  
  
“Mad over what?” Sure, Maka is protective of Crona, but I’m not doing anything wrong, really.  
  
“Well...it’s just kinda...weird.”  
  
That strikes me as odd; my eyebrow quirks up in confusion. “Weird? How is it weird that I’m asking her questions?”  
  
Liz stares at me, like she’s trying to figure something out. “I know you go to great extents to research stuff, but doing this... It seems kinda odd, even for you. Why are you even really doing this?”  
  
“Well...” I start, but it takes a minute to continue. “Because I just can’t seem to get used to the idea that...Crona is really on our side now. I’m not sure how to feel about her.” I hate how I word it, even if that’s the simplest way to put it. It sounds silly. But it’s the truth. I’m not close to Crona, but still consider her one of my friends. It’s only reasonable to get to know this confusing person, isn’t it? Especially if she were to change her mind on where her loyalty lies. Again.   
  
A familiar anger sparks in my chest at the thought; I hate how it happened. It’s not like I blame myself for Crona betraying Shibusen. Like I said, we aren’t and haven’t ever been close. I was trying to see the best in her, like everyone else, but it still aggravates me that I started to accept her in the first place. It can’t happen again, but I shouldn’t get too hyped up over it. Getting angry over what _could_ happen won’t help at all.  
  
“Sounds like there might be something more to this.” Liz accuses vaguely. Before I can reply, Patty rushes between us saying how we should get ice cream, and I don’t hear another thing from Liz on the matter.


	3. End to the Beginning

**The Dumbing Down of Love**

**End to the Beginning** ****  
  


x-x-x-x

 

 **A/n:** This style of writing screws with me so bad. The tenses will be changing, and I _might_ convert it to third person now that we’re mostly done with the backtracking. Also, I’ll be working on updating _Clandestine_ soon. This fic is just easier to update.

 

x-x-x-x

 

It’s loud in Deathbucks, mostly due to my group of friends. Having Black Star ramble helps fill what might have been appreciated silence. Caffeine doesn’t affect my body as strongly as most people, so I don’t drink coffee often. It’s sort of ironic, considering how much I come here during off-time. I take a few sips from the chilly chocolate frappé in my hand and listen to the conversation topic, which is currently Black Star’s latest “success”. I can’t help but be reminded how obnoxious he is, but there’s something almostadmirable in how he keeps on. Then again, that’s mostly a side effect of his stupidity. Regardless, I still respect his abilities.

Soul manages to change the subject (to his credit, that’s not easy with Black Star) to some plans of traveling. I don’t completely agree considering we have our respective duties to Shibusen, but I see his point. “We go all over the place on missions but never actually get to enjoy the place. The _last_ time me and Maka stayed late was when we first met Crona-”

“Hey Soul!” Maka interrupts, but Soul continues, waving her off.

“-and that’s not really what I consider fun.”

“Soul…” We all know what’s coming. Or I thought we did. Instead of hitting him, Maka glares a little then turns with a slightly sullen pout towards Crona. Maka apologizes to Crona for Soul bringing that up, and Soul adds how he didn’t mean anything bad by it.

My eyes move from Soul and Maka to Crona and remain fixated. It doesn’t actually come to mind that I’m being weird or anything until she notices and stares blankly back. Trying to correct myself, I nod in acknowledgement then look away casually (at least I hope that’s how it comes off as). I try looking interested in something outside the café’s large windows, but I can still see Crona in their faint reflections, still staring at me. I don’t get why it makes me so uncomfortable. In the reflection I even see my face redden.

-x-x-x-x-

“What is this? What’s wrong with me?” Water drips off my face which is unusually flushed as I stare into my bathroom mirror. More and more I think about Crona. I thought talking to her would help me, not add more questions. The more we talk, the more I want to know. It doesn’t feel healthy anymore. In class I’ll find myself staring at her when I’m in the middle of writing. I-… I think I might be too deep into this. More and more I just want to fix her, looks and all. I can’t take this; it’s maddening. All that I’ve learned about her I want to use to make her acceptable.

“Kid! Hurry up! I’m tired of being late over symmetry checks!”

“In a minute!” I need a minute… Just a minute to clear my head. Damn it, I don’t even have my shirt on.

As quickly as I can, I wipe my face clean of moisture and finish dressing. Downstairs Liz and Patty are waiting, and for probably the first time I don’t bother checking their attire. There’s too much on my mind right now.

“Hey!” Liz shouts after I quickly pass them. I don’t stop. I just wave for them to follow.

-x-x-x-x-

I’d hoped by now I would have calmed down, but I can’t. I’ve been on edge since waking up this morning. I don’t even remember the details of whatever dream I had, but whatever it was, it set something off. It bothered me, and now the feeling won’t disappear. Patty and Liz have been trying to help, it’s not easy to hide how I’m feeling right now, but nothing they say helps soothe my nerves and any question goes unanswered. I know they’re confused and worried, but all I can say is they shouldn’t be. Then it happens. One glimpse of Crona and the dream starts to come back.

It’s strange, hard to explain. In the dream I’m staring at my feet, and Crona’s walking in front of me. The world’s shadowed by blue as the sun goes down. Crona looks back at me calmly and mouths something I don’t remember, but my dream-self grabs her hand and pulls her back. She’s surprised, confused. I start yelling how she can’t do this, not again, not again. (What did she say?) She starts screaming back at me, but it’s like it’s not even words, just rushed phrases and frustrated groans. The dream switches up then; Crona slips away.

I think I need to talk to her today.

-x-x-x-x-

For a couple of weeks since the trip to Deathbucks I’d avoided Crona as best as I could. But now it’s time. Whatever this is, I need to get over it, and it looks like the only way to do that is by confronting the cause. I tell Liz and Patty I have something to talk over with my father and that they should go home without me. Under regular circumstances I wouldn’t lie to them. What’s done is done, so I pace as fast as I can to the lower corridor of Shibusen where the cells are… Where Crona is.

The bulky metal door doesn’t stop me; I open it without a single knock. That by itself causes Crona to startle. When I slam the door behind me, it doesn’t help. She’s watching with wild eyes, those eyes that I’ve seen fade to black. Words pour from my mouth angrily in my frustrated and energized state. She’s so unsure of what I’m doing; I can see it on her face. I’ve never acted like this before without it having to do with symmetry.

I’m correcting her. With each fragment of letters rushing out I’m using the things she’s told me, private matters I managed out of her, and telling her how to fix them, how she’s been wrong and needs to fix these things. It’s almost like it’s not me. I’m aware that I’m doing it, but I’m too distant to stop myself. I’m too caught up. With a harsh pant I finish, saying, “Most of all, get out of my head.” In the tense silence that follows, I realize my last foolish words.

My eyes must be just as wild as hers by now. I expect her to cower in her pillow and corner more, or something else reclusive. What she actually does surprises every part of me except for the part who first fought this witch’s child. Her own livid and rushed thoughts are thrown at me. I dare say there’s an edge of hurt in her retorts. “You don’t know me, and you’ll never understand! No one like you could ever understand!”

“You’re out of control!”

“I don’t care! Stop trying to control me!” She clutches her head and groans, starting to scream. This familiar action leads to me throwing her to the cold, hard floor and pinning her limbs as we catch our breaths and minds.

-x-x-x-x-

I wish it had ended there, but no, it continued on into a drawn out fight. We couldn’t sit in the same room without eventually blowing up on each other. Even worse our friends began to intervene. All they did was fuel the fire. I wish it had stopped there, or even continued on forever with these idiotic fights. If that had been the case, I wouldn’t have gone through the Hell yet to come.

-x-x-x-x-

She spits her words like fire, and I’m more than ready to return the favor. She swipes at me with bare hands and misses. We’re alone with each other and our venomous feelings in a solitary part of Shibusen’s forests. For the next move she brings out Ragnarok. I have to be careful. Without Liz and Patty, I can’t keep Crona at that far of a distance. But I’m still too tactful for her. She barely lands a scratch on me before I have her sporting several short-lived bruises.

Beyond frustration, I roughly push her to the ground face first and force her arms behind her back with my other hand. She coughs in the dirt and squirms violently. Her body goes limp when she realizes there’s no escape unless she’s willing to let me break her arms. I hiss in her ear, “Listen to me now, Crona. Every action you make while living here is going to be watched. One single mistake and I finish you myself.” I wait for any sign of protest, but instead receive a sign of submission as her body goes limp. With half her face pressed against the ground, I can see one of her previously black eyes staring up at me. It’s like she’s analyzing me.

My breathing weighs down on me, my mind a little foggier. Slowly I realize why. I’d only been touching her head and arms before, but my body is doing things without my mind. I can feel the curve of Crona’s backside, the slight trembling, even her uneasy breathing. Vaguely I wonder if she notices before I scramble to get away. This has never happened to me before. I mean, I’ve been aroused before, but never in this sort of situation and never by a specific person. It was always accidental touches or adrenaline rushes that brought it on. Not a person and definitely not ever Crona.

Crona’s confused with me backing off at first, but then she realizes she has an opening and tries to attack again. I’m blocking her, but she’s getting closer. Suddenly I’m the one pinned down, unable to face her or care about the fight anymore, just hoping she doesn’t notice the problem at hand. She doesn’t and shouts at me. But I don’t pay attention to the words as I usually would. I just want her to get off of me and to get away as soon as possible.

 After flinging her off, I stand up and continue to push her off whenever she attacks. It becomes tedious, and I can only keep up so much without using too much force. It needs to stop before she actually injures me. With that look in her wide eyes, I wouldn’t doubt she intends to kill me.

She finally gets a good shot at my side, pinning me again and ready to stab. “Crona, stop, you don’t understand-”

“Why should I care when all you want to do is hurt me…?” There’s pain and anger mixed in her voice.

“That’s not- You have to get off **now**.”

“I’m tired of your words and rules.” She raises her weapon again with one hand. She’s sitting on my lap, her legs straddled… I can feel heat radiating from her and it drives me crazy. My face burning, I struggle out of her grasp on my wrists and knock Ragnarok out of her hand. He yells out something, but I’m too focused on his Meister to pay attention.

Crona’s eyes are wide once again, and they only get wider when I grab her hips, about to throw her off and trying desperately to keep her from moving as I try to sort my thoughts. But she struggles, of course, and I can’t help but moan at the sensation she causes. Blood’s pounding in my ears but I can still hear Ragnarok shout something out again. Whatever he says, Crona’s face reddens at it, and she stops trying to move. “K-Kid…” she weakly mutters. I think she gets it now. I catch something Ragnarok says then, “He’s vulnerable!”

Oh so that’s what he’s telling her; he’s explaining it to her. I’ve never felt more embarrassed in my entire existence. Maybe it was the fight, maybe it was the position of power, whatever it was that aroused me, Crona isn’t helping. “I-I can’t deal with this…” she mumbles.

“P-please, get off.”  I beg, my pride completely neglected by this point.

She makes a move to, and it causes me to moan again. My hips buck, and she grips my arms as a sharp moan leaves her mouth. I mean to do something else, anything but what I actually do.

Next thing I know, I’ve pushed her off only to press her down with my body. My fingers scratch at her bare thighs, bringing her closer. My mouth devours hers and she’s just returning the actions; she’s feeling it, too. I tease her small chest, and it looks like she can’t handle it with the expressions she’s making. Her back arches, and she’s grinding as much as she can on my lap.

My pants go down. She’s not wearing underwear. There’s not a single thought of stopping.


	4. Loose Ends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It will be kept in Kid’s POV keeping in mind that it’s technically Kid’s story, but there will be future chapters where Crona gets some spotlight. I’m kind of surprised at how well received this story has been.
> 
> The rating has changed to Mature because of the past chapter being extremely suggestive and for future content. There’s possibility of future sexual content involved with the plot, which will be posted on other accounts linked on my profile.
> 
> Super special thanks to everyone for reading (even if you don’t review)! You guys make my world brighter!
> 
> Thank you specifically Crona Gorgon, Chabeli05, little.snuggle, Schizoid7Loner, KuriSari, freaky63, UnknownArtist, TheAravis, Noelle la Marie, mimiges11 and Don’tSleep for the feedback. Thank you guest reviewers as well. :) Don’t be too shy (or lazy) to let me know who you are though, so I can thank you properly!

x-x-x-x ****

 

_It's complicated..._

_This time I think it could be-_

_Triangulated._

_It could be just what we need..._

_So what you say, we give it up and walk away?_

_We're overrated, anyway._

_Nothing to salvage, anyway._

 

“Loose Ends” _–_ Imogen Heap

 

x-x-x-x

  
That was the beginning to everything, the start to a catalytic relationship.

 

The way Crona moved and moaned was too much. I’d never so much as kissed any person’s cheek before I found myself on the ground with the infamous Makenshi mewling underneath me. Her body was surprisingly soft…and warm. So warm. I couldn’t even pick out imperfections while she felt so perfect.

 

The vague thought passed through me, _‘Why haven’t I noticed how perfect she is?’_ Within the heated moment, Crona was more wonderful than symmetry. The way she moaned, especially my name, the way she pressed against me in a way of begging, the way her face contorted in bliss with a small whine; she was so perfect through my lust clouded eyes, and she was only mine. I remember crooning how perfect she was, how beautiful. She’d started crying, and I could see how desperate she was for more kind words and overwhelming touches.

 

Then it was over, and yet it wasn’t at all.

 

We were trying to catch our breaths when I realized several things; we were filthy with dirt and sweat (among other bodily fluids), we were exposed on Shibusen property even if alone, and I’d just had sex with someone who’d tried to kill me more than once. And now she was falling asleep.

 

We couldn’t be seen like this. I tidied up the best I could and grabbed Crona, explaining in a rush how we needed to leave to my house to get cleaned up. She was confused, still dazed, so she followed quickly without complaint.

 

Fortunately Liz and Patty were still at school, completely unaware of my impromptu fight and newly developed predicament. I needed to fix this before classes ended and they came looking for me.

 

Once home, I shoved Crona into the bathroom, which she whined at me for, and began to strip. Her face reddened, and she struggled to back away when I tried to undress her as well. We’d already been intimate, and I wasn’t an easily embarrassed person, particularly in serious situations, so I didn’t stop. I felt dirty; for once asymmetry wasn’t the cause.

 

The shower was rough and quick, but we were clean, and that was all I could handle to focus on at that moment. Crona had been silent for a while and sat naked and dripping wet on my bed. She was hunched over with arms crossed to cover her nudity. I brought her a nightshirt of Patty’s that hopefully wouldn’t be missed, and it hung loosely on Crona’s thin figure, particularly around her chest. Remembering what I’d done to that chest, I glanced elsewhere. Dressed in casual clothing, I sat down beside her.

 

“I…don’t know what to say.”

 

She didn’t know what to say either it seemed. My room was eerily quiet. And then she whimpered. I looked at her and saw tears beginning to fall and her shoulders shake. I felt my body tense suddenly and my heart lurch. It wasn’t something I was used to feeling: sympathy. No, more than that. Her sadness was too painful to just be sympathy.

 

I didn’t think about it; I just wrapped my arms around her and tried to soothe. I shushed and patted without understanding what was really happening. Why was she crying? How was she supposed to act? How was _I_ supposed to act?

 

I didn’t expect her to look at me, but eventually she did. I almost wished she hadn’t. Those blue eyes were edged with black instead of the typical red (her blood being black after all) and glimmering with tears. She looked so completely hurt, so…broken and defeated. Just earlier that’s what I had wanted. Now it was almost too much to bear.

 

“Crona…” I wasn’t used to comforting someone like this. Usually I was the one in need of soothing over my OCD. What could I even say? “what’s wrong?” She whimpered down a sob and continued to shake in my arms. It was easy to understand her being upset over all that had happened, but somehow I didn’t get it. Maybe I didn’t want to admit that I’d done something much worse than I already thought. Did she…feel like I’d raped her? Just as panic was beginning to rise in me, she spoke up.

 

“I don’t…know…what t-to do now… I don’t kn-know how ta dah-deal with eh-any o-of this…!” She buried her face in my shirt as she continued to cry, and I allowed this, trying to take in everything that had just happened. Focusing on her was all I could do to keep calm. I felt like I was set on autopilot as I numbly wiped her tears and waited out the cries.

 

“We can forget it.” I said stupidly, the first solution to come to mind. I was doing a great job of saying stupid things today.

 

Those same eyes filled with pain, betrayal, way too much emotion for me to handle, gazed up at my words. “…forget…” she mimicked hollowly. Then it was all panic and tears from her and stoicism from me.

 

In my stomach, guilt and fear and shame were pitted, spreading like a sickness throughout my core. I watched Crona scream and cry at me how she couldn’t forget this and didn’t know what to do. My ears burned though the rest of my body felt cold. I trembled, and then it finally came.

 

I would have expected myself to live in shock for longer. Some people can go for weeks, or even months or years, in such a state. But Crona was my catalyst.

 

My hands slowly gripped the nightshirt around her tightly as I slumped against her. My trembling increased to a violent shaking as tears swept down my face. “I am so sorry…” My voice shook with emotion. “I am so sorry!” What was I now? The answers in my head were clear; I was beyond imperfect, beyond garbage. The perfect shinigami I had aimed to be was a dream to be mocked. I wanted to die. I wanted Crona to hurt me like I’d hurt her and then some.

 

It took me some time to recognize her slender hands cupping my face and wiping the tears away. When I finally looked at her face again, I felt miserable and couldn’t see clearly, but I could tell she looked so very painfully sad. “I’m so horrible, I’m so sorry!” I continued to sob in her gentle grasp. “I’m the absolute worst fucking creature in existence...”

 

My cries were strong despite how her lips muffled them. She kissed me and held onto my face stubbornly with a resolve I didn’t get. I didn’t kiss back and didn’t struggle. I didn’t understand what she was doing after all my words and actions. It made absolutely no sense. But she kept those lips pressed on mine until my sobbing softened and I was shaking only a little.

 

“I don’t want to be alone anymore; I don’t want to hurt…” she whispered on my lips with similarly grief-stricken vocals. “It felt good, but I’m so confused…” She bit her lip to stop another onslaught of emotion, though her body betrayed her.

 

Heaving a sigh, I managed to find some strength in me left to continue speaking. It wasn’t my usual strength. I was still breaking over this. It was some sort of numbed reserve hidden in me I hadn’t been aware of. “I don’t know what to do either…” I admitted in a whisper. I felt Crona jolt, probably unnerved by my honesty. I was, after all, the one who always had some kind of plan, the one who pushed his ideas and opinions. Crona didn’t get how shattered my resolve was.

 

She shuddered and looked at me desperately with lingering tears escaping down her face, grayed in blush. “Don’t go.” My eyes widened in surprise at her simple demand. There was silence between us, but I heard the echo of her words. _Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go, don’t go, don’t…_

 

I gave her what I felt to be the softest look I’d ever given anyone and carefully held her face. I have to go, I thought. Words formed in my head, ready to be translated by mouth. I can’t stay here. We can’t do this. It was a mistake. I’m sorry for what I said. I’m sorry for what I did. We can’t do this, Crona. We can’t do this. It all hurt so much, the thought to stay, the thought to go. It hurt so damn much, I knew it was tearing me apart.

 

God help me, those eyes, those tears, that quivering mannerism… It was another stupid thing to do; I hardly expected it of myself, but I brought her face to me and gave her the softest kiss I could muster. She pressed back, so gently and so warm. I could smell her, and she smelt of skin and water and body wash, my body wash. But she also smelt just so strongly of a scent that couldn’t be described in a better way than simply Crona. It was surprisingly comforting.

 

When I pulled away, our eyes and breaths remained with each other. “I won’t.” I whispered on her lips. I won’t go.

 

Because really…

 

How could I?

 

We stayed wrapped up in each other for a while. Silence accompanied our slowing heartbeats and breathing, and my face began to feel cold where tears had streaked. Crona clung to me, face buried in my chest, and I started petting her hair down. We needed to get up and go back to the regular daily routines we each lived. But I felt so exhausted, emotionally and physically. My eyes kept open and watched for several moments akin to peaceful as Crona drifted to sleep. _‘I should get up now._ ’ I thought. _‘But I’m so tired…’_ Sleep would take me away from everything I had to handle but couldn’t. I shut my eyes, thinking of what I needed to do, and fell asleep before I could finish one comprehensive thought.

 

-x-x-x-x-

 

Liz and Patty came home a few hours later. When they woke me, Liz asked if I was sick, and I noticed after some panic that Crona was gone. Not beside me, not in the bathroom, not in the thoughts of Liz or Patty. So I said I was fine. Liz obviously had suspicions, but I was sure they had nothing to do with Crona.

 

I spent the rest of the day in my room, sleeping and thinking, thinking about what would happen now and what the hell was I feeling. So quickly my prim role model life had been twisted by the shaky hands of a witch’s child, and I was so confused over how I felt for her. What was expected of me? What was right? What did Crona want? What did it all mean?

 

My life was suddenly a labyrinth of questions that I stood alone in.

 

The girls were obviously put-off and more worried than before by how I was acting. I didn’t blame them. I was quiet, hardly energetic, and looked a mess. I went to sleep without dinner and awoke restless. In school the next day I was just as unresponsive.

 

“Kid, come on, what’s wrong?” Liz asked in class.

 

I gave her a drained glance. “Nothing…” I muttered. My tired eyes, much to my chagrin, found Crona’s seat. It was empty, and that hurt me in a way I didn’t understand. My heart seemed to drop into my stomach and rise back up with a new heaviness.

 

Liz must have noticed, because she tapped my arm and told me we’d talk about this before the day ended. As I looked at her with empty eyes, I just nodded.

 

Maka was probably going to check on Crona because she was that kind of friend with her, looking out for her and giving advice when she could. _‘She’d throttle me if she found out.’_ I thought even if I’d lost the will to care. It was likely true. The only reason it really bothered me was imagining Crona crying again, thinking of her in so much pain because of me.

 

The day dragged on with a lethargic me. Liz pulled me aside at lunch instead of going with everyone to eat. Patty went with the others, which made me a little curious. An unusual amount of concern showed in Liz’s blue eyes. For a quick moment I noted how deep a blue they were compared to Crona’s. Then I shook it off, and Liz put a hand on my back. It was simple and comforting.

 

“What’s up?” she asked. I looked to the ground away from our feet, unsure of what to say. “Come on,” she gently prompted, “what’s wrong?” The way she said it, the contrast of her usual behavior, made me look up, and I felt I could say it. At least some of it.

 

“I… It’s…Crona.” I stumbled to say, looking back down.

 

“Yeah?” Liz moved her hand to lightly rub my back, and it felt very nice. It made me want to break down again.

 

Using all my strength I had left in my drained state of mind, I continued. “We got into another fight.” Liz remained quiet, patiently listening in a way I’d witnessed from her only for Patty. “This was the worst one.” I wasn’t lying.

 

Next thing I knew, her arm wrapped around my shoulders in a sort of hug. “That bad, huh? What happened?”

 

I clenched my fists, body tensed up. It was bad, couldn’t be worse. “Yes.” I forced out, eyes on my feet.

 

Liz was quiet. I thought- Well, I don’t know what I thought. I was waiting for anything and nothing at the same time. Then she sighed and squeezed my shoulder. “I told you you were acting weird.” I wasn’t going to be angry at this point, but she quickly added, “Tell me what’s going on, Kid. Do you seriously hate Crona?”

 

My head popped up with surprise and I felt almost defensive. “No, no I don’t.” My eyes became downcast again. _‘I’d be crazy if I did after what happened.’_ I decided to keep that part to myself. _‘But maybe I’m crazy now.’_

 

Liz sighed again and removed her hand. “Do you like her?”

 

When I looked at her again she had this look like she was sorry for me with her arms crossed. I stared back, unsure of the answer. I didn’t hate Crona. But did I even like her? As a person, much less anything more? I wasn’t unaware of how awful that thought was. I almost collapsed at the thought that I might really be that terrible a person that I impulsively slept with people I didn’t even like.

 

But I kept my calm to save face in front of Liz. I didn’t want her any more involved than this. “I don’t know.”

 

-x-x-x-x-

 

Liz stayed with me for a while, making us both skip class so she could give me some advice. I really appreciated it, but couldn’t tell her the whole truth. I wanted to tell her, but couldn’t stand it if on top of my guilt and Crona’s feelings, Liz hating me or thinking I was as awful as I felt. Liz and Patty dealt with me all the time over my OCD, but I couldn’t let them know this… I wasn’t sure what would happen, but I doubted they’d comfort me and tell me I was wrong about being a disgusting excuse for a creature that’s only good for breathing.

 

I told them I was going to go apologize to Crona for our fighting, so Liz took Patty home. I searched all over the school and didn’t find Crona. At the end of my searching I bumped into Soul with an upset Maka who told me Crona had been crying the whole day in her room. I asked and was informed Crona was done crying for now and wandering around by the library.

 

Maka didn’t know why Crona cried. I felt like I’d throw up if I had to talk to her any longer. Soul looked at me as if he was going to ask if I was alright, but I said my goodbyes and headed away from them to find Crona as casually as possible. I found her crouched outside the library, which was closed due to the time. She gasped when she noticed me and huddled into a corner of the doors more. I was tense again and swallowed down my constricted throat. I crouched down and looked at her with what felt like an upset expression, though I was doing my best to treat this as delicately as possible.

 

She slowly looked at me with puffy pinkened eyes from crying and an accusing and defeated stare. “We should talk.” I said, careful of how the words came out. There was so much to say, and I prayed I could do this and somehow make things even a sliver of what they were before I fucked everything up.

 

-x-x-x-x-

 

**Please review to motivate this hopeless writer and all that jazz.**


	5. Blue Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before you read this chapter, I would like to address the fact that Kid didn’t rape Crona.
> 
> It could be considered rape from one perspective, but it hasn’t been stated how much Crona knows. All she said was she was confused about it, and that was about the feelings, not the actual sex. The only way it could be considered rape is if Crona had something disabling her from being able to give consent, such as if she was too young (they're the same age, so that doesn't count), retardation (nope), drunk (nope), drugged (definitely nope).
> 
> It's really a bit of a stretch to call it rape considering Crona immediately went with it, saying with her body language that she wanted things to continue. Plus Kid was the one who told her to stop. The only reason it could be considered legit that Kid raped Crona is the fact she's been sheltered all her life, but to what extent isn’t known. I know it seemed questionable, but I assure you what I wrote was not written with that intent.

x-x-x-x ****

 

_Been one of those days..._

_Safety first, don't push...don't push me...what's the hurry?_

‘ _Cause there's one nerve remaining, waiting on one look,_

_One look now...have you got it?_

_Have you got it in you?_

_Have you got it in you?_

 

“Have You Got It In You?” _–_ Imogen Heap

 

x-x-x-x

  
Crona kept staring at me with her dejected eyes. It was something at least. She wasn’t ignoring me, but I could see it in her face that it hurt her just to look at me. When I knew she had nothing to say, I offered her a hand to help her up. She hesitated, stared at it, then sighed and turned her head away in protest. My hand dropped, and I settled down beside her with a heavy heart and similar sigh. I stared off down the hall in front of me, wondering if this terrible ugliness I was feeling would ever go away and if I wanted to make things right or if I was just being a selfish jerk. I was certain it was the first, but doubts kept prodding at my insecurities that I’d pushed down all this time before now.

 

‘ _Why can’t I have a single damn conversation with the person I’d slept with? Why can’t I stand up and be a man about it?’_ It wasn’t even about being a man. It wasn’t even about being a shinigami. It was about realizing I’d screwed up in spite of myself. All because I let my pride get the better of me, let it twist into anger. Maybe-... Maybe I truly had felt something for Crona, something other than the negative feelings that drowned out any attempted friendship. It would explain why it happened like it did, from anger to...that.

 

Oh God that hurt more, thinking about the reality that I could actually loveCrona and had done what I had. I didn’t know what was worse, sleeping with someone I didn’t really like or sleeping with someone who I could love and ruining our relationship forever. _‘It just isn’t fair._ ’ Thinking that, I corrected myself. What was unfair about it? That I’d made a mistake? It sounded so childish. But it just didn’t feel right...

 

I jolted at her finger tapping on my arm. I looked at her and thought immediately after doing so that that was a poor move. It made my heart plummet in that sickly depressing way I was getting used to. “Yeah?” I managed to say.

 

She looked less sad, but nowhere near happy or less tired. Suddenly her eyebrows knitted together in anger. “What do you want? You wanted to talk. Well talk.” I was a little struck by surprise at her forward words, but she was right. I glanced at my knees before looking down the empty hallway again, then back to her.

 

“I know we can’t ignore this and pretend it never happened, but I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know what this is.” It sounded stupid to me, but I couldn’t better explain something I didn’t know about. “I’m sorry.” I muttered, and all the wretched feelings from before filled my throat. I swallowed them down. “For saying such stupid things, like about forgetting it happened.”

 

She was quiet at my confession. I didn’t want her to cry, but it scared me more that she wasn’t responding. I wasn’t so afraid I wouldn’t look at her, and when I did I saw her staring down. I’d never seen her look so tired, not since the first time we met. My heart jumped when she finally spoke.

 

“You _should_ be sorry.” she said softly yet with a bite to it. My eyebrows crinkled in confusion, but I held my tongue. It was just unusual for me to hear her being so blunt and callous. I didn’t dwell on it, because that’d just add to my depression. “You...” Her voice quivered, warning me of the emotions building up inside her about to spill. “You hurt me. You used those things I told you against me.” Her head turned to me, revealing watery eyes and a frown. “I trusted you.” she choked and quickly looked away to hide her crying.

 

I lifted a hand, reaching out to her, but let it drop. She was right. And it hurt.

 

She continued speaking without facing me, busy wiping her tears away. “I thought you were my friend. I know it was stupid and my own fault, ‘cause it’s not like I was nice to you when we first met but neither were you. You said we were friends now...” she trailed off. It was obvious by her tone how betrayed she felt.

 

She wasn’t even talking about the fact we’d had sex. She was still upset about all of the fights between us. My chest felt heavier with guilt and shame.

 

“I want to be friends. I wanted that... I just-...” I sighed heavily, almost frustrated but too exhausted to feel any anger. I’d been leaning toward her but fell back now, settling against the library door. I ran my fingers through my hair only to immediately pet it back down. “It’s hard for me to trust you.”

 

It was quiet again, and I knew she was mixed up at that response. “But that doesn’t give you the right to betray mine!” she snapped, immediately forcing my head to turn. It was my turn to be speechless. Angry and hurt, Crona was done being silent. “You were supposed to be my friend but all you’ve done is lie to me and use me!” The anger quickly left to make room for the tears overflowing down her cheeks. “If you don’t want to see me then fine! I don’t want any of this! I don’t want you!” She jumped up. “I don’t want your stupid lectures and your stupid pity and your damn apologies!” Her voice had transformed into a scream by the end right before she rushed down the hall.

 

Of course I went after her. But I didn’t make it better. I didn’t know how. All I could do was try to be honest, but that honesty was hurting her. No matter how I admitted I was wrong and wanted to be friends, that I’d somehow make this right, it didn’t matter. She didn’t want my friendship anymore. She didn’t want anything to do with me. I went home believing that.

 

-x-x-x-x-

 

The ceiling looked farther away than usual and more boring. I stared at the dull whiteness from my bed. Sunday morning. I had nothing better to do. Not because it was Sunday; this was just how my life had been lately. It was no mystery that things were messed up between me and Crona. She wouldn’t talk to me, would avoid hanging out with everyone including Maka if I was there.

 

I didn’t want it to be like this. I wanted Crona to at least talk to me. I found myself wishing she’d yell at me more just to say something. It hurt so much that she was cutting me out. I couldn’t fix this if she wouldn’t let me. How could I even begin to go on with my life after the things I’d done? I’d messed her up pretty bad. Crona had problems, and I’d just added to them. Brilliant, just brilliant.

 

I’d apologized. I’d berated myself. I’d spent weeks trying to talk to her again and dealing with interrogations from Maka and Black Star and Liz. All my relationships were muddled. Because of this one girl. She’d twisted my life up because of my efforts to prevent just that. I’d caused my own downfall.

 

It wasn’t as bad as her betraying Shibusen. Really, it wasn’t her fault. But I began to blame her anyway. Not at first though. The first weeks following our conversation at the library I continued to blame myself and spend so much time at home it alarmed my father.

 

When I spoke with him, all I’d say is my fighting with Crona ruined our friendship and I was trying to fix it. What vague advice he gave me only disheartened me more at how useless I found it.

 

I’d lost count of how many times I’d tried talking to her the past weeks. It didn’t matter I guess. There was no point in keeping record of how many times she could reject me unless I wanted to torture myself some more.

 

It was three weeks after the library ordeal. Crona had returned from a mission with Maka and Soul. I knew, but didn’t bother trying to see her. I was starting to give up. I couldn’t do anything for her if she wouldn’t let me. Or maybe this was all I could do for her, leave her be.

 

I found her in my backyard. It was eerie at first. There have been cases over the years in different places of serial killers wandering into people’s backyards and burying bodies. Of course Crona hadn’t been doing that; at least I hoped not.

 

“What’re you doing here?” I asked gently and settled down beside her. She had that same exhausted stature about her.

 

“I want to know what we are now.” she started off softly. Her eyes were darker than usual, making me worry that this whole drama had been egging on the madness inside her. “If we can’t be friends, then what are we?” There was a pause between us as I tried to gather my words and thoughts, but she continued. “I can’t stop thinking about you.” she admitted weakly. Her voice broke off as tears ran down her face. I cursed the fact that all I could manage to do lately was to make her cry.

 

Why did those words make me feel hopeful? I couldn’t stop thinking about her either. It was about ready to drive me insane with depression and worry. I sighed deeply and looked at the grass as I thought of what to say. “Crona I really just don’t know.” I looked at her again. I was at my limit. I was drained and sickened by my actions. No matter what I said, reality remained the same. “We-... We had sex... But you hate me and-...” A bitter laugh left me suddenly as I shook my head. “What do you want me to do?”

 

My heart jumped when she hugged me. It was tight and had a force to it. It was desperate. “I don’t know I just can’t do this by myself...!” she cried into my chest.

 

Her body shook. I held her to me. Tears stung my eyes, but I didn’t cry with her.

 

-x-x-x-x-

 

I could feel their staring but refused to acknowledge it. I could feel the burning urge they had to ask me what was going on. But I didn’t care. I was done. All the energy I had left I was putting into spending time with Crona. I took up a mission today, the first in about a month or more. Crona still wasn’t trusted to be on her own, so I set it up where she came with me. It was lack-luster. I did a messy job, but got it done nonetheless. I hadn’t researched properly as I usually did. I didn’t focus on the symmetry of our soul count. I just got in and got out.

 

Crona didn’t do much better. I think we were both trying hard to work things out between us, but it felt so forced.

 

I wasn’t answering anyone’s questions on if Crona and I were friends again or why we looked like we’d gone through Hell. No amount of threats or pleas affected me over it.

 

-x-x-x-x-

 

Tsubaki handed out snacks to everyone. The day was bright and beautiful for most. The breeze was refreshing. It even managed to lighten my spirits a little, though not as much as I needed. I sat with Crona on my right and Patty on my left. Crona and I remained relatively silent as everyone chatted.

 

I don’t remember anything significant about the conversation. My focus goes to offering Crona my handkerchief to wipe her mouth, and then we were talking to each other. Just a little. It was simple things. But I didn’t make her cry.

 

-x-x-x-x-

 

 

“Am I stupid?” she asked. Her breathing was soft and deep, and I watched her sprawled out body move up and down rhythmically.

 

“You’re not stupid.” I answered as quietly as she had asked.

 

She pushed aside the books she was supposed to be reading for class and closed her eyes. I just continued to watch her, thinking about how small she was and how fragile. “You’re not stupid.” I reaffirmed. “Why?”

 

“All I can do is mess things up in the end.” She said it so casually.

 

I was quiet. I crawled over and leaned over her. The familiarity of the position jarred me, but I just didn’t move back. I just...didn’t. Her eyes peeked open, and we stared at each other in a silence filled with calm breaths. After a moment I sat back down and drew my knees up to support my arms. “I don’t think so. That kind of negative talk will just make you feel worse.”

 

“It’s true.” she retorted in a heartbeat.

 

I shook my head. “You’re not any worse than me.”

 

At first I took her lack of reply to mean she agreed. “I think...you do your best. And it shows.” she told me so quietly, like it was a secret. Her arm slid up on the floor to cover half of her face. She was lying on her side, looking at me now. “When you’re not sad...you’re really great.” Then she closed her eyes again.

 

I didn’t argue with her. Her words made me feel guilty yet happy.

 

-x-x-x-x-

 

A month passed with us hanging out together more than we ever had. Most of the time we barely even talked. But I was feeling better, and from the looks of it so was Crona. We still hadn’t figured out what to do about our friendship. But it was a step away from the torment we’d been undergoing because of our fights.

 

I started to think it would be fixed if we kept seeing each other like this. We’d learn to work it out together. I don’t believe I was wrong in thinking that. Even considering how things went a way I never thought they would.

 

I was helping her study again. She was distracted again. As far as I knew this was normal with her. Her thoughts were elsewhere while I tried to explain a more in-depth section about souls. I tapped her, talked to her. She kept spacing out. I sighed in annoyance and was about to take a break. “There’s no point in doing this if you’re not paying attention.”

 

No reply. She glanced at me. My brow furrowed in confusion. “Are you okay?” I asked. She still didn’t speak. She stared down at the table and fiddled with her thumbs in a habit I’d learned meant she was nervous. “Crona?” She lifted her head at her name and stared at me. I opened my mouth to ask again when she put her hand on my arm. Her hands looked delicate despite what they were capable of. “Are you sick?” She shook her head. Then what’s the matter? I was going to ask that. Instead I asked, “What are you doing?!” after she kissed me.

 

Her face was already darkening in blush. She had that nervous and embarrassed expression that would probably be considered cute to most. “Crona?” I repeated her name, expecting an explanation.

 

“I want to-... Like we did last time... I want to kiss you.” My face must have shown how flabbergasted I was. She was asking for _that_? After all the fighting and her crying and the confusion, she wanted to _repeat it_? I didn’t get it at all.

 

She was biting her lip really hard, so hard I was surprised it wasn’t bleeding, but my surprise at her words won out to that. “ _Why_?”

 

I realized she was trembling as she clutched my arm. I begged in my head for her not to cry. “I don’t know why, I just want to okay?” She shook her head, and it looked painful how she was struggling to contain herself. “I miss it.” she admitted with obvious struggle. “I miss that feeling of being close... Those things you said...” She started crying again, oh God... I couldn’t think of anything to say. I just sat there, feeling like everything was falling down around me all over again. “You said I wasn’t stupid and called me beautiful, and I just want to-...” She bit her lip again and trembled harder as she hung her head. “Please make me feel like that’s true again.”

 

It’s not like I didn’t think this could ruin everything. My immediate thought was to refuse. But...I missed it too. I wanted to feel her warmth again. I wanted to stop her crying. I wanted to fix it all. All she asked of me was something I could give. And I could use a little stress relieving.

 

I kissed her back and it became rough quickly. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and clumsily made her way onto my lap. I grabbed at her ass and nipped at her neck, my head quickly becoming dizzy as she moaned and rocked. My breathing came out in unsteady pants on her collar from the friction she was causing. She kept rocking her hips quick and rough, and my ability to think about anything else slipped away.


End file.
